Finding Peace
by The Madhatter2
Summary: During/post PWF. How does Catherine spend her five-day suspension? (complete)
1. Forgiveness

FIVE DAYS  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 1 (out of 6): Forgiveness  
  
Disclaimer: Never in my lifetime will I own these wonderful characters. Never ever.  
  
Spoilers: Play with Fire  
  
Rating: Probably along the lines of PG and PG-13.  
  
Author's note: I am a G/C shipper, FYI, so this is just a little warning ahead for the bias that may come up. and I couldn't let "Play with Fire" end the way it did. This is my take on what happened during the ep and afterwards. It's picks up right where Catherine talks with Greg in the hospital. Reviews would also be nice. couldn't hurt, right?  
  
She stepped into the small room, glancing at the different tools scattered in various places. The white walls were cold and uninviting, almost glaring at her as she walked through the door. The metal and plastic hospital instruments teased and mocked her as they lay there. Her eyes darted away from the offensive items and rested on the reason she was here.  
  
He looked almost peaceful in his sleep. His boyish looks were of an angel, almost. The content face nearly put a smile on her face, but quickly retracted it, thinking of how that expression would change when she told him the truth. She decided that it was best to enjoy the serene look on the normally joyful face while it lasted.  
  
Turning almost a complete 180 degrees, she found herself looking out the blinded window. The white walls were just as glaring as the ones inside this small room. Men and women, dressed in white lab coats, wandered the halls, talking with each other. Occasionally, a gurney would slip by, carrying an injured person with two to three nurses walking beside it. She always hated hospitals.  
  
The woman turned back to the subject at hand. He lay on his side, keeping his scorched back away from the bed. She walked around to see if she could get a better look at the damage she had done to an innocent man. The bed sheets covered part of the lower back, but what she could see of the upper wasn't as pleasant, no matter how hard the doctors tried to cover it up with different creams. She winced and went back, staring out the window again.  
  
The sheets rubbed against the body beneath it, bringing the woman out her reverie. She spun around carefully and saw the younger man awake before her. He groaned and opened his heavy eyelids slowly.  
  
Greg Sanders, the lab technician, looked at the older CSI in front of him intently. For once, Catherine Willows, second-in-command, looked serious -- the smirk, the sarcasm, and the playful twinkle in her eyes were gone. In fact, she looked remorseful, but Greg thought it was just his imagination.  
  
"Greg, I'm going to be blunt with you - I was the one that blew up the lab."  
  
His eyes widened and jaw dropped. How could this be true? How could one of the best CSIs ever, blow up a lab?  
  
"Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain."  
  
"Cath, if there's anything Grissom taught me, it's to not jump to conclusions."  
  
She gave him a half-smile. "Warrick and I were working on a case, and we found some substance in the crime scene. As the custom is, we put the unmarked evidence in the fume hood. Well, apparently, there was a hot plate in there at the same time. I didn't notice it at the time, so I just walked off. Somehow, the hot plate got turned on and mixed with the substance resulting in the explosion. Thus, creating a big mess and your injuries." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Greg -"  
  
"So, what happens to you?"  
  
Catherine looked shocked. "What happens to me? Who cares what happens to me, I got what I deserved. Greg, I am so sorry about what happened. If I hadn't been so careless, if I had followed procedure, you wouldn't be sitting in here, writhing in pain. I'm such an idiot."  
  
"Cath-"  
  
"If you hate me, I understand. I just wanted to tell you in person what happened and who was responsible."  
  
"Yo Catherine!" he said a bit louder than usual, snapping Catherine out of her ramble. "I appreciate you coming to me and admitting what you did, but don't beat yourself up over it. I'm alive and breathing, it's all good. I'm fine, really. Actually, I'm kinda glad that I'm here instead of the lab."  
  
"You are?"  
  
"Yeah," he smirked. "Grissom's been working me overtime, so at least now I get a break, huh?"  
  
Catherine laughed and smiled. "Well, I guess there's a brighter side to this."  
  
"But seriously Cath, don't blame yourself over this. It wasn't your fault. Someone else left the hot plate in there, where it clearly shouldn't have been. You were doing your job. Besides, these wounds will heal. I'm not crippled for life."  
  
"So, you don't hate me? And I'm forgiven?"  
  
He chuckled. "No, Cath, I hate you for doing your job." Greg rolled his eyes. "I don't hate you, and you're forgiven. But if you'd like to make it up to me."  
  
It was Catherine's turn to roll her eyes. "I'm afraid to ask."  
  
"You wanna sleep with me?"  
  
"Greg." she warned. "Don't."  
  
"Go there, I know," he finished, grinning. "I was just kidding, anyway. I don't know how long I'll be in here, so ya think you could bring me some of my music? I'm gonna go insane in this place if I don't have anyone to talk to or listen to something."  
  
She grinned, picturing Greg trying to flirt with the nurses and singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". "Yeah, I can do that for you. Is that all?"  
  
"My first offer still stands."  
  
Catherine rolled her eyes again. "Hey, ya know what? If you want some company, Lindsey and I can drop by and hang out with you for a while. I was put on five-day unpaid leave suspension and Lindsey is has home suspension tomorrow, too. You want us to come?"  
  
Greg's famous bright smile lit his face. "Yeah! That'd be great! I haven't seen Lindsey in ages!" His smile turned into a mischievous grin. "Lindsey was suspended? Why?"  
  
She returned the grin. "Oh, she got into a fight, that's all."  
  
"A fight? Lindsey? Your Lindsey got into a fight?" Greg asked incredulously. "Well, she definitely takes after her parents."  
  
"Ugh, don't remind me," Catherine said, putting a hand to her head. "She certainly knows how to pick her fights."  
  
"Who'd she pick on?"  
  
"The most innocent kid of the class - the teacher's pet."  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it. Those are the worst. So, when do you want us to stop by tomorrow?"  
  
Greg half-shrugged with his good shoulder. "Whenever you feel like it. I've got time."  
  
"Okay. We'll stop by around lunch time then, and sneak somethin' in for ya, sound good?"  
  
"Please. I haven't been in here for 24 hours yet, but the food here sucks."  
  
"I know. Any favorites?"  
  
"How about Mexican? Tacos or something."  
  
"Sure. Taco Bell sound good? Sorry, I'm cheap."  
  
"No, no. That sounds wonderful compared to the food they have here, if it can be called food."  
  
She laughed. "Okay. We'll see you around 12:30, Greg. Get some rest. The others might come in before shift, so you might want to be awake for that. 'Night."  
  
"Yeah, 'night, Cath." 


	2. Thirteen

FINDING PEACE  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 2 (out of 6): Thirteen  
  
Disclaimer: Same as it always is. I don't own 'em, never will. See the first chapter for all the necessary details.  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! They are really appreciated! I have most of this fic written already, btw. But the bad news is I'm not gonna be here for the weekend. My cousin is graduating this weekend and I don't think I'll have access to the internet while I'm away. So, on with the fic.  
  
A loud sigh escaped the lips of Catherine Willows as she whipped the covers off of her slim frame. Sleep was not coming onto her anytime soon in this state of frustration. She stood up, padding toward the kitchen in hopes of finding something that will get rid of the growing headache. Pulling open the refrigerator door open, she considered making her ever-famous screwdriver, but decided that would make the headache worse. So, she opted for her second favorite drink-coffee.  
  
Dumping out the old sludge from the day before and washing out the dish, she made a new batch. The cold tile on the kitchen floor never hit her nervous system until now. Her toes were ice cold and screamed for warmth. The fact was, she didn't care much. All she could feel was the guilt, frustration and resentment at herself. Catherine hated herself more than ever.  
  
She walked over to her comfortable couch and sat down, feet tucked under her legs to keep them warm. She tipped her head back, neck touching the back of the couch, and placed a hand over her eyes, as if to block out the horrible mental images. Flashes of the blown up lab appeared in her mind, no matter how hard she tried to block them out. The broken glass scattered everywhere, bags of evidence no longer usable, the scorch marks on the ground. everything flashed back to that horrible memory.  
  
Thirteen cases. now going unsolved, the murderers walking free. Thirteen murderers set free because of a stupid mistake on her part. Thirteen families not receiving the closure they so desperately wanted and deserved. If she could, she would personally visit all the families and apologize to them on her part and break the news that the killer of their loved one may never be brought to justice-all thirteen. Perhaps, that was what she would do during the five days she had off.  
  
Thirteen-the unlucky number. How ironic, considering she was in Las Vegas. The superstition of the number thirteen seemed to come true for Catherine Willows. That number will forever haunt her life.  
  
Suddenly, the smell of the bitter coffee wafted through the room, alerting Catherine's senses. She stood up and walked over to the pot, relieved that this took her mind off the explosion, even for just a few precious moments. The hot liquid burned down her throat as she gulped it down, matching the bitterness in her heart. When she was through with the first cup, she quickly poured a second one, but didn't drink it as fast. Instead, she cradled it in her hands delicately, absorbing the warmth radiating from the cup. Somehow, coffee had a way of calming her down, calming down her mind and senses. She could finally relax, something she hadn't received in ages.  
  
Catherine stretched out on her couch, set the mug of coffee down and closed her eyes. keeping them closed until a big bundle of energy came crashing down on her.  
  
Her eyes snapped open in shock. "What the he-"  
  
"Sorry, Mom," a sheepish voice said.  
  
She looked at the bundle of blonde in front of her. Lindsey. "It's okay." Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she realized what time of day it was - morning. "What time is it, sweetheart?"  
  
"Um. ten, I think. Why?"  
  
She sighed and relaxed. "Good. We're going to go see Greg in the hospital today, okay? Then, we can go see that movie you wanted to - Lizzy McGuire, right?"  
  
Lindsey bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically. "Yeah! I get to see Greg and a movie with Mommy!" she squealed, running down the hall to her room to change.  
  
Hours later, the two blonde women, mother and daughter, walked through the door of Greg Sanders' room, effectively hiding the contraband underneath Catherine's jacket. They saw Greg's eyes bulge out of the half-lidded state at the sight of the two women.  
  
"Tell me you have something edible!" Greg nearly screamed, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.  
  
The older woman glanced down at the younger girl beside her, a grin growing on the lovely face. "Well."  
  
"We kinda ran into trouble, Greg," Lindsey said, picking up where her mom left off. "You see, we went to the movies first, then Mom had to go grocery shopping."  
  
"Did you get me a sandwich, at least?" He pleaded, nearly on the verge of ripping his sheets in half.  
  
"I, uh, forgot, Greg. Sorry."  
  
"What?" Greg finally exploded.  
  
Lindsey laughed. "Calm down, Greg-o. Mom," she looked expectant at Catherine and held her hand out. Catherine, unable to keep the grin off her face, handed her daughter a paper bag. "Here you go, Greg," Lindsey said, presenting the bag to the man in the bed.  
  
Greg, looking like a cross between a hungry wolf and an eager boy waiting to open his presents, tore open the bag. Taco Bell never smelled better. He inhaled deeply and sighed. "You guys rock." He nearly swallowed the first taco in one bite. "Thansh," he said through a mouth full of food. "Mmmm, thish ish sho good!"  
  
Catherine looked rather disgusted, but understood the behavior. Anyone would die eating hospital food. She watched as Lindsey scolded Greg for eating too fast, much like often told Lindsey, and hand him a cup of soda. If Lindsey were older, it would look like she was his mother with the way she took care of him. The thought put a smile on Catherine's face.  
  
"Mom, you were right."  
  
"What about?"  
  
"Getting Greg two meals. He's inhaling these tacos!"  
  
She smiled. Greg and Lindsey could be so comical together at times. Even on the worst days, those two could find a way for her to smile or grin somewhat.  
  
The door swung open again, this time revealing two men in their early thirties. One man was Caucasian, tall and bulky with muscle, with a slight Texan accent. The other man was an African-American, tall and lanky, with modest dreadlocks. Nick Stokes and Warrick Brown stepped into the tiny room.  
  
All the people greeted each other in the room. "Hey, Greg," Warrick said, standing beside the injured man. "Just thought we'd stop to see how you were holding up before shift."  
  
"Yeah, man," Nick added. "We miss you already, and shift hasn't even started yet! How's the back?"  
  
"Hurting. Thanks, anyway, guys." Greg tried to give them a smile, but wincing in pain.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, just ate a bit too fast."  
  
Warrick looked over at Catherine, catching her gaze. He motioned that they talk outside. Nick, getting the hint, took Lindsey by his side and started up a conversation between them and Greg.  
  
"I heard what happened, Cath. I'm sorry," Warrick said, putting a hand on her shoulder.  
  
She waved off the apology. "It's not your fault, I got what I deserved."  
  
"No, I should've been there to take some of the blame. I was with you when you placed the unknown substance under the fume hood. I should've noticed."  
  
"But you didn't. No one knew it was there, Warrick."  
  
"Hodges did. That son of a -"  
  
"Warrick! Whether Hodges put it in there or not, doesn't change a thing. I was the one that put it in there. I was the one responsible for checking before I did. I should've noticed. Now look at the consequences. I got what I deserved. I'm not complaining."  
  
Warrick looked down at the ground. It was just as much his fault as it was Catherine's. He didn't know why she took the blame when he should have.  
  
He looked up suddenly when he felt a hand on his arm. "I'm the older CSI, that's why I ended up with the blame," Catherine said softly. "Grissom ended up getting some of the heat, too. He's our supervisor, so he probably got burned worse than I did. Either way, I would've taken the blame myself. It wasn't yours or Grissom's fault. Don't worry about me, Warrick, or anything else that might concern me." She paused. "Do me a favor?"  
  
"Name it."  
  
"Just worry about yourself and the rest of the team, please. It's bad enough that this is going on my record. I don't need anymore pity or sympathy, for that matter."  
  
"Okay. Just as long as you take care of yourself, too. I don't want to see you come back to work looking like a toothpick, got it?"  
  
She smiled a bit. "I will. Like I said, don't worry about me. Never doubt, never look back, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
Catherine hugged Warrick--one of the few people in her life that actually remained true in her difficult life--tightly. She knew he could trust her. Eventually, word would spread around that she was the one responsible for blowing up the lab, but that didn't matter. Warrick would be there for her; she could count on him.  
  
When they parted, Warrick gave her a rare warm smile. "You feel better?"  
  
"Yeah. Thanks a lot, Warrick. It means a lot, really." She glanced back into the room and saw the occupants laughing, probably at a joke Greg cracked. "Where's Sara and Grissom?"  
  
"They had a rough case. I think they're still working on it."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"You know, the lab's not the same without you. No sarcastic and witty remarks to make towards Grissom's puns. It's kinda. boring."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. He's worried, too."  
  
"Well. the lab was under his supervision, I can see why he's worried. His job is on the line. You know him, he's practically married to it."  
  
Warrick chuckled. "You got that right. No, you know what I mean. You. He's worried about you. It's in his eyes. I think he misses you."  
  
"The only thing Grissom misses is the precious evidence lost in the explosion," she said spat.  
  
"You know that's not true, Cath. The man feels."  
  
"Surprisingly." Before Warrick could make another sound, Catherine cut him off. "Look-I know what you're trying to do and I appreciate it, honestly. But you can't deny the fact that you miss the evidence more than your coworker, can you?"  
  
He kept silent.  
  
"See what I mean? It's because of me that thirteen people walk. That means thirteen cases go unsolved, thirteen families don't get the closure they deserve, thirteen crimes down the drain. Tell me that you miss me now."  
  
"Cath. we all miss you. We don't hold you accountable for what happened-it was an accident. We-"  
  
"Yeah, an accident that cost thirteen precious lives. We could've had those bastards behind bars and you know it--the whole team knows it."  
  
"I was gonna say that yes, thirteen cases went unsolved, but without you, we wouldn't have even gotten as far as we are now. So what? We lost thirteen cases. We'll catch them again. They're bound to do something in the near future." He took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Look, if you quit now, you quit on yourself and the team."  
  
And then he walked back into the room, leaving Catherine to ponder what he just said. 


	3. Desert

FINDING PEACE  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 3 (out of 6): Desert  
  
All the necessary comments and details are on the first chapter.  
  
A/N: Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this immensely. In answer to the question which relationships this covers. I'm trying my best not to have them. In other words, I'm trying my hardest to just stick to friendships rather than romantic ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for G/C and a little N/S, but not in this fic. Plus. This is mostly about Catherine anyway, her doubts about the explosion and herself. Enough babbling from me. Here's the story:  
  
Catherine Willows greeted her daughter with a kiss on the cheek and a hug at seven a.m., right before she left for school. "Good morning, sweetie."  
  
"Morning, Mom!" Lindsey said enthusiastically. "What're you gonna do today when I'm gone?"  
  
"Oh. I don't know, sweetie. I'll find something to do."  
  
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be alone. If you need someone."  
  
Catherine laughed. "You're just trying to find a way out of going to school, aren't you?"  
  
Her daughter grinned innocently. "No."  
  
She smiled. "I'll be fine. I think I might stay with Greg again, for a bit. You just eat your cereal and drink your juice. I'll be fine."  
  
About ten minutes later, a loud, short honk came from outside. Catherine opened the door, handed Lindsey her backpack and kissed her on the check once more. "Be a good girl! I don't want you starting another fight, got it?" She called after the little girl, running toward the school bus.  
  
"Okay, Mom! Love you!"  
  
"Love you, too!"  
  
Catherine watched as the big yellow school bus drive away, carrying her daughter in it. She closed the door and went back to her cup of coffee and newspaper, a rare delicacy she received from time to time. After quickly reading through the articles, her mind shifted to the plans she made for the day. Absolutely nothing. Well, she planned on visiting Greg while she could. but other than that, there was nothing to do. Surely, she couldn't spend all day with Greg. He would need some time alone at some point in time. It would be rude of her to invade that privacy. It was bad enough she caused the reason for him being in that sterile environment.  
  
Day two of suspension. Catherine never realized how much of her life depended on work. Yesterday had been a blast with Lindsey. She actually got to be the mother Lindsey always deserved, for more than five hours. She relished the feeling. It seemed, she reasoned, that there were a few good reasons for this five-day suspension. One, she could sleep in. Two, she could finally be home when Lindsey was and be a mother. Nothing had seemed so perfect.  
  
Except for the fact that Eddie was gone.  
  
Yes, she hated the man. Yes, she left him. Yes, there were times when she wanted to kill him herself, but those were just idle threats. Eddie Willows was an ass. But she still loved him.  
  
At one point, he was her life. She loved Eddie, no matter how many times he abused her. He loved Lindsey just about as much as she did, that was all that ever mattered. As long as her little girl was happy, so was she.  
  
Now, everything was upside down and twisted around. Surprisingly, Eddie had that kind of affect on her, even though she tried to rid of him as quickly as possible. The only link, the only contact, the only connection he had to her was the fact that he was her ex-husband and the father of her child. The father was gone, so the family triangle they had build was broken, left dangling by a thread. No more child support from him and no one else to pick up Lindsey when Catherine was running late. There wasn't a person she could rely on, not that she had relied heavily on Eddie, anyway.  
  
But there was one person. one person she could rely on for anything, unless it was paperwork, of course. Gil Grissom. She could rely on him as a friend and a coworker. It was true, she could rely on anyone on the team, but Grissom had been with her from the beginning. He probably knew her better than herself.  
  
Grissom. She shivered at the thought of that name now. How was she supposed to face him now that she blew up the lab, lost thirteen cases, and hurt Greg in the process? It was clear that Grissom cared for the young and energetic lab technician more than he let on. Would he forgive her? Would anyone forgive her for that matter? Greg said he did. Could she forgive herself? Maybe that was the question.  
  
Catherine stared at the abandoned glass of orange juice sitting on the counter. There was no way she was going to stay home, she couldn't spend all day with Greg either. she had to get away. Just then, an idea hit her, like no other. The desert. What other place better to think and to get away from the world?  
  
She quickly hopped into her car and sped off. The roads were empty, thank goodness. Racing down the street brought a sense of peace to her mind and body. The rush of the adrenaline running through her body caused her to speed up. The frustration was rapidly dissipating into dust, the guilt momentarily leaving her head. All she concentrated on was the road ahead of her and maintaining control of the car. When she reached 100 MPH, Catherine slowly brought the car to a stop. The energy flowing through her body was incredible. It had been a while since she could actually do that, and it felt good.  
  
Catherine stepped out of her car and inhaled the dry air of the Nevada desert. The air wasn't as refreshing, but it beat the smell of a dead body any day. Leaning against the car, she stared out into the vast openness off the desert. The endless stretch of land was mesmerizing. Somehow, the dry dirt calmed her mind and the storms raging within her.  
  
A lizard popped out from under a large rock and froze under the bright light of the sun. It stood still for a moment, and then continued on its exploration of the rest of the rock. Catherine watched as the little reptile scurried across the hot land into the shade of another nearby rock. If only she could be like the lizard. She needed to come out of her little shelter, her shield, the barriers she built around herself the past few months, since Eddie's death. She needed to get out into the world again, she needed to live like she used to. She needed to stop hiding.  
  
"No one will look down on you for what happened here," she could almost picture Grissom standing right in front of her saying that.  
  
"And how would you know that? You're not everyone, Grissom."  
  
"You're right, I'm not. But it was an accident. You tried your hardest. Greg's not mad, I'm not mad."  
  
Greg forgave her. Grissom forgave her. The rest of the team saw it as a simple mistake, an unfortunate accident, but no one was going to put all the blame on her. So why did she feel so horrible inside?  
  
Because you can't forgive yourself, a little voice inside her head said.  
  
Catherine bit her lip out of habit. No, she couldn't forgive herself. Then again, who could forgive themselves for hurting a fellow coworker, a friend? She sure couldn't.  
  
She closed her eyes and leaned against her car. Never doubt, never look back had been her saying for years now. She knew she was being hypocritical right now, doubting the past and holding onto it. But she couldn't let go of this one. It hurt her career, it hurt her friends, it hurt the cases they were working on, and it hurt the families of the victims. How could she possibly go on after all that?  
  
But you have to, the voice in her head answered, never doubt, never look back.  
  
"Never doubt, never look back, my ass."  
  
"Who're you talkin' to, Catherine?"  
  
She whirled around and found herself face-to-face with Nick Stokes. "Nick? How-Where did-"  
  
"Grissom had an idea where you would be," he answered quickly. "So did Warrick. But when they said you'd be far away, I wasn't thinking about 20 miles from your house."  
  
Catherine grinned sheepishly. "I didn't want anyone to find me."  
  
"Old habits die hard."  
  
"You sound more and more like Grissom everyday, you know that?"  
  
It was his turn to grin. "I'll take that as a compliment." Then, he went back to the reason he was there. "So, what's up, Cath? Everyone's worried, ya know."  
  
"Cut the crap, Nick. Did Grissom and Warrick tell you to come find me and check up on me, since I'm not answering their calls?"  
  
"Man, you're good. Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you for a bit. and they kinda 'encouraged' it."  
  
"Right. Well, you can save your breath. I just got the same lecture from Warrick yesterday."  
  
"I'm not gonna tell you that it's not your fault, you already know that. I'm just. here, I guess. I mean, I don't want you to be alone right now. You've always been there for us-for me. I guess. I just thought I owed it you, that's all."  
  
Catherine shook her head. "Nick, you don't owe me a thing. We're friends. Friends help friends out-without charge."  
  
"That's exactly what I'm trying to say. Don't shut us out, Cath. I know you blame yourself for what happened at the lab and about Greg-we all feel responsible, whether we were there or not. I've blamed myself for millions of things that were never my fault, but I still felt the guilt. You just gotta learn to let it go. You tried your hardest, it's not your fault. I don't know any other way to tell you that. You're not alone, Cath. I promise."  
  
Her vision became blurry after Nick finished his little speech. Suddenly, she felt lighter, like some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She smiled and gave him a hug.  
  
"Thanks, Nick. I really needed that."  
  
He grinned. "That's what friends are for." 


	4. Support

FINDING PEACE  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 4 (out of 6): Support  
  
See first chapter for details.  
  
A/N: Once again, the reviews are extremely uplifting and helpful! Thanks to all those that took the time to review! It really means a great deal, especially since this is my first CSI fic. I have one piece of bad news. I don't know when I'll be able to post the next chapter after this. My teachers have decided to pile a bunch of tests and projects on us at the end of the year, so I'm rushing to finish them so I can get to writing the next chapter. Amazingly enough, I have the last chapter written, but not the second to last. hmm. I need some time management skills. :P Thanks for sticking with me you guys. It's almost done. Without further ado.  
  
Catherine Willows awoke feeling refreshed and energized. The weight of guilt, the remorse was all gone. Glancing out the window, the sun was out, shining bright on the crazy town of Las Vegas, without a cloud in sight. She smiled. It was going to be a good day today.  
  
"Hey, baby."  
  
"Morning, Mom," Lindsey replied with a mouth full of cereal. Swallowing before continuing, she asked, "How was your day yesterday? You weren't alone were you?"  
  
Catherine couldn't help but smile at the concern of such a young child. "Shouldn't I be the one worrying over you, not the other way around?"  
  
Lindsey laughed. "You're not answering the question, Mom."  
  
Catherine cocked her head to the side, eyebrow raised. When did her daughter get so observant? "Okay, okay. You got me. My day was fine and no, I wasn't alone. Nick came by and we talked a bit."  
  
"What'd you talk about?"  
  
"Greg. He just came to tell me how he was doing and cheered me up a bit." It was a half-truth, but it would have to do. If Lindsey found out what really happened. she didn't want to think about how her daughter would react.  
  
"Cheered you up? Why, were you sad?"  
  
"Lindsey, you better go for school. The bus is waiting for you," Catherine said, grateful for the big yellow bus for once. "We'll talk later, okay?"  
  
Her daughter looked up at her suspiciously. "Okay. see you later, Mom. Love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
Once Lindsey clambered up the steps of the bus and sat down with her best friend, Catherine closed the door and looked around her house. It was a mess. Lately, she hadn't had time to clean up her house because work took up most of her time. That, and she had been completely drained of all energy. The weight of Eddie's death was finally settling in like a boulder. Nick and Warrick helped get rid of some of the weight, but not all of it. She wasn't completely sure that it would ever go away.  
  
Sighing, she made her way to the kitchen to start wiping down the counters. They had certainly seen better days. She took out the cleaning solution and found it empty. How did that empty so fast? She wondered. Then she remembered-she used it up last time and made a note to go get some more, but never had the time.  
  
"Why me?" she questioned the empty bottle. Then, picking up her keys and purse, she headed out to her car. Might as well go pick up a few groceries on my way, she thought. Thankfully, Albertson's was nearby and it only took her five minutes to get there.  
  
Glancing down the aisles, she spotted the cleaning supplies and headed down it. Something, or rather someone, caught her eye.  
  
"Sara?"  
  
"Catherine?  
  
"What are you doing here?" they asked each other in unison.  
  
They laughed. Then, Catherine asked a simple question, "What are you doing up so early? I thought you'd be asleep. You know, taking advantage of a slow day."  
  
Sara sighed. "Yeah, but I really needed to clean my apartment. It's horrible. I can't stand it. What about you? What're you doing here?"  
  
"Same as you. My house is a disaster area."  
  
"Lindsey?"  
  
"Partly. She's pretty good at cleaning up most of her things. I'm the one slacking off."  
  
Sara chuckled. "Yeah, I know how that is."  
  
Catherine looked down at the bottle Sara was holding and noticed the white bandage wrap around her hand. "Sara, what happened to your hand?"  
  
She reflexively hid it from view by pulling the sleeve over it. "Um, nothing. I, uh, just hurt it in the lab. I. I, uh, broke a beaker and it cut me."  
  
"What really happened?"  
  
She sighed again. "I hurt it when the lab exploded. I heard what happened, too."  
  
Catherine looked down at the bottle she was holding and seemed very interested in it. "Yeah, it was me. I'm sorry for what I did to your hand. If I hadn't been so careless, if I hadn't been so stupid none of this wouldn't have happened!"  
  
Sara placed her uninjured hand on the older woman's shoulder. "Cath, you've been through a lot. I understand. It wasn't your fault. Besides," she held up her bandaged hand, "this isn't serious. Just a few stitches, nothing life-threatening."  
  
"I guess. I still feel responsible."  
  
"I'm the one who should feel responsible, Catherine." Sara gazed into her blue eyes. "I should be the one responsible. I could've caught Eddie's killer. I could've had the bastard behind bars and cause you less grief. It was my fault. I was working the case. and I blew it. I'm so sorry."  
  
Catherine offered a small smile and shook her head. "No, you tried, Sara. I know you. You won't give up. I was. overreacting, I guess. There wasn't enough evidence to convict anybody."  
  
"I still feel responsible though. Maybe. maybe if I found the murderer, you wouldn't be going through this."  
  
"It doesn't matter. Eddie is dead; nothing can change that fact. Yes, I'm still grieving, but not as much. It wasn't your fault," Catherine said, surprised at how she was using the words Warrick and Nick used just a couple days ago. "Sara, believe me, you're not responsible for anything. You did what you could to the best of your abilities. You can't do any more than that."  
  
"You know, you almost sound like Grissom."  
  
"Do I now? I think he's starting to rub off on me. I'm flattered." Catherine grinned. But Sara, don't blame yourself. You didn't cause me more grief than I was already going through."  
  
"Thanks, Catherine." Sara smiled.  
  
"No, thank you, Sara."  
  
They exchanged goodbyes and parted ways. Sara went to the frozen section and Catherine headed for the checkout stand. Once she paid for the bottle of cleaning solution, she headed to her car, feeling even lighter than this morning. Maybe all she needed was the support of her friends. She didn't have to go through her problems alone, they would be here for her-every single one of them: Warrick, Nick, Sara. and finally, Grissom. Catherine smiled. Who could ask for more? 


	5. Healing

FINDING PEACE  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 5 (out of 6): Healing  
  
See first chapter for further details.  
  
A/N: Great reviews! Thanks so much! There's only one more chapter after this. obviously. :P Hope you enjoy this.  
  
Catherine Willows sighed and stretched out on her couch, waiting for her daughter to arrive from school. Lindsey normally carpooled with her best friend, since Catherine was never sure if she would be able to get off of work early enough to pick her up. Besides, Lindsey's best friend only lived a few blocks away. As if on cue, a loud rapping noise echoed through the house. Lindsey was home.  
  
"Hey, sweetie!" Catherine greeted, hugging her daughter.  
  
"Hi, Mommy! Mommy, Liz said I could sleep over tomorrow, can I, can I, can I?"  
  
She smiled and ran her hand through her daughter's hair. "I don't know, sweetheart. Let me go ask Liz's mom, okay?" She walked over to the idle car in front of her driveway and greeted Liz's mother. "Hello, Mrs. Green. Is it okay if Lindsey can stay over tomorrow?"  
  
Mrs. Green smiled. "Of course, Catherine. And please, call me Martha. You don't have to be formal all the time."  
  
"Sorry, bad job habit."  
  
She laughed. "Yeah. So, we'll just take Lindsey to our house right after school, if that's okay with you?"  
  
"Sure, it's perfect. I'll make sure Lindsey has everything she needs. Thanks, Martha."  
  
"No problem, Catherine. Take care!" She zoomed off.  
  
"C'mon, Lindsey, let's go inside. You hungry?"  
  
"Yeah!" Lindsey ran inside and found her favorite sandwich sitting on the table-peanut butter and jelly. "You're the best, Mom!" she exclaimed through a mouthful of food.  
  
Catherine smiled at her little girl, stuffing her face with food. Leaning her head on one hand, the other ran through the blonde hair of her daughter's. "How was school today?"  
  
A wide smile split on her angelic face. "It was great!" And she rattled on about her day with her best friend, Liz. Catherine listened intently as Lindsey went on and on. To her, there was nothing better in the world.  
  
When Lindsey was done telling her day to her mother, she exclaimed, "Oh! Look what I made you, Mommy!" She reached into her backpack and pulled out a white sheet of construction paper with a bright yellow smilie face drawn on it and the word "Smile!" written at the bottom. "I thought this might cheer you up a bit."  
  
Catherine smiled. "Thank you, sweetheart. It's very pretty. I'll hang it up on the refrigerator so when I go to the kitchen I'll think of you and smile."  
  
"But why were you sad, Mom? What happened?"  
  
Her shoulders slumped and sighed. "I. did something stupid. and it hurt some people." The look of confusion on Lindsey's face prompted her to explain further. "I. Remember when we visited Greg in the hospital. did you ever wonder how he got there?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, it was because of me." Lindsey flinched, her eyes wide and jaw dropped. Her mother? What? How? "I. did something stupid and made the lab blow up. and Greg. well. he's in the hospital."  
  
"What? Mom, what-how did-Greg?"  
  
She laughed bitterly. "I don't know, sweetheart. One minute the lab was there, the next it was in shambles. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never done anything like that before. I've never been that clumsy. What the hell is wrong with me?!" She screamed, pounding her fist on the table.  
  
Lindsey jumped and nearly fell out of her chair. Her mom never lost her temper like that. Never. She stared wide-eyed at the blond woman next to her, briefly wondering if this was her real mother and not the one zapped down to earth by aliens, like the boy sitting next to her in class today said.  
  
She considered running to her room and just let her mom vent out all her anger and frustration, but when Catherine laid her head on her arms, those thoughts quickly dissipated. Lindsey needed to be there for her mother.  
  
Slowly placing an arm around Catherine's shoulders, Lindsey sat down next to her and leaned her head against her mom's. "It's okay, Mom. Everything'll be all right."  
  
"Everything's fallen apart since Eddie died," Catherine mumbled. "I thought I was finally rid of him. and he just shakes up my world again."  
  
"I miss Daddy, too."  
  
Catherine looked into her daughter's face and found how reversed the roles were here. Lindsey, her daughter, was the one comforting her, when she should be the one comforting Lindsey. She was growing up so fast. "I do too. I do too."  
  
"Did you ever find out who. who hurt Daddy?"  
  
"No," Catherine replied, staring at the table. "Nothing."  
  
"I miss Daddy, but I like staying with you, Mommy. Daddy's fun and all. but you smell better and nicer."  
  
She laughed. "Smell better? I would hope so!"  
  
"Yeah, 'cause Dad smells like smoke. I don't like that smell." Lindsey emphasized this by wrinkling her nose. "It's gross."  
  
"Tell you what, how about we go to the park or the mall and just get out of here? I'm bored at home. What do you say?"  
  
Lindsey's face lit up. "Yeah!"  
  
Within fifteen minutes, they arrived at the mall. Both mother and daughter went around the mall just enjoying the time together, since it was very rare. They went around to the different stores and bought some clothes and a new pair of shoes for Lindsey. Once all the shopping was done, they bought some ice cream from Dairy Queen. Lindsey told her mom more stories from school, while Catherine listened eagerly to the young girl sitting across from her.  
  
By the time they arrived back home, both women were exhausted from the shopping. Catherine was sad that this was her last day of suspension and the last time she'd be able to spend a whole day with her daughter, yet delighted at the fact that she would be going back to work the next day. She sent Lindsey to the shower, while she slumped on the couch and propped up her aching feet on the coffee table. Life was great right now. The little trip had taken both her mind and Lindsey's mind off of Eddie's death. It served as the perfect distraction.  
  
"Tired, Mom?" Lindsey asked, coming out of the bathroom, dressed in her pajamas and drying her hair.  
  
"You bet. I haven't gone shopping like that since I was a kid."  
  
"Today's your last day, isn't it?" The little girl asked, a trace of disappointment in her voice.  
  
Catherine nodded. "You know, if I don't work, we won't have money to go shopping like that again! Don't worry, I promise we'll go shopping once I've saved some money up, okay?"  
  
Lindsey smiled a bit. "Okay, Mommy. As long as I can get that Barbie next time!"  
  
The older woman was beat. Lindsey sure knew how to strike up a deal. "Okay, okay. You'll get that Beach Barbie that you've always wanted. How about we watch a movie?"  
  
"Monster's Inc?"  
  
"Sure, honey. Put it in."  
  
Lindsey grabbed the Monster's Inc. DVD and popped it in, and then joined her mom on the couch. By the time the movie was one fourth of the way through, Lindsey fell asleep with her head on Catherine's shoulder. Catherine smiled at the little girl beside her. She turned off the movie and slowly placed her down on the couch and tucked her in.  
  
"Goodnight, Lindsey," she whispered to the sleeping beauty.  
  
Catherine shut off all the lights and headed toward to her room. As long as Lindsey and she had each other, they would be able to get through everything. They had each other's support, which was the first step to the healing process. And that was more than enough for Catherine. 


	6. Sunsets

FINDING PEACE  
  
By: The Madhatter  
  
Chapter 6 (out of 6): Sunsets  
  
First chapter has all the goodies on it.  
  
A/N: This is it, the last chapter. *sniff* I hope you guys have enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it!  
  
The sky was a bright fiery orange, tinged with a dash of pink and yellow. The normally bright blue sky was now a faded light blue hue. The glowing ball of yellow was sinking behind the horizon, waiting for another day to come.  
  
The wind picked up a little and blew the blond hair of Catherine Willows across her face. She seemed unaffected by the slight breeze as it whipped across her sunglasses perched on the bridge of her nose. Her dark coat and cuffs of her pants swayed slightly. Her face was tilted downward, staring at the large slab of stone lying before her. It simply read: Edward Willows, and then his birth and death dates were inscribed on it.  
  
The headstone was a simple plaque-nothing special about it. It almost described the person that lay six feet below it. Catherine didn't want anything overly expensive; after all, Eddie wasn't like that. Even to the death, Eddie was cheap, not that he cared anyway. She thought it was fitting.  
  
"I thought I might find you here," a quiet voice said.  
  
Catherine didn't bother to look up. "Hi, Gil."  
  
"I talked to Sara. and I figured you'd be here. Is everything okay?"  
  
"Define 'okay'."  
  
"Catherine." He waited for her to look up at him. "Catherine," he called again. When she didn't look, he gently tapped her shoulder. "Please look at me."  
  
She did as he asked and found herself staring at her reflection in his sunglasses. He took them off and stuffed them into his jacket pocket.  
  
He stared at her, studying her face, trying to decipher the emotions running behind the strong mask she always wore. When he found none, he tried another tactic. "Where's Lindsey?"  
  
"At a friend's house, spending the night." Came the mechanical reply.  
  
"I thought that was against the rules," he said, trying to joke, but failing miserably. He sighed and looked down at the grave. "Eddie."  
  
Catherine ignored his last statement and looked off to her right, staring at the vast area for graves. "You know, this will be the last time I'll visit this place for a while."  
  
Grissom cocked his head to the side. "Oh?"  
  
"Yeah." She turned around and took off her sunglasses, staring into those endless pools of blue. "This is it-the end."  
  
"The end?"  
  
"The end of this chapter in my life. Eddie's gone; it's time to end this. It's time to move on. I can't keep dwelling on Eddie's death for the rest of my life. I have to move on, for the sake of Lindsey and myself."  
  
He nodded. "That must've been a long chapter."  
  
"Not really."  
  
He cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"To tell the truth, it ended long ago. I just never had the courage to close it."  
  
Grissom nodded slowly, looking up at the sky. "It's a beautiful sunset."  
  
Catherine looked up at the sky. "It sure is. My sunset." she whispered.  
  
Grissom looked down at the woman beside him. He admired her strength through all the trials in her life. Catherine Willows was an amazing person, and he was grateful to even know her on a personal level. Not many people had the privilege of knowing such a wonderful woman. Not only did she face everything that Eddie and her past relationships had done to her, but she also raised a child by herself, and she shouldered the burdens of the job and other's problems-his problems, sometimes. Catherine was one of a kind.  
  
"You're a nice guy, Gil. I admire you did you know that? You're one of a kind."  
  
He smiled, embarrassed. "You know, I was thinking the exact same thing about you."  
  
"Really? That's a first."  
  
"Catherine, you're one of the strongest people I've ever known. You're one of a kind, too."  
  
She gave him her brightest smile, a smile he hadn't seen on her face for months. "Thanks. for being here with me, Gil. I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there."  
  
He gave her his famous half-smile. "Same to you."  
  
Catherine couldn't help the water forming in her eyes. Grissom was such a great friend. She was surprised that they were still close after 12 years of working together on the job. Catherine reached up and hugged her friend. She knew he was uncomfortable with human contact, but she didn't care. Grissom needed to know how appreciated he was. Surprisingly, he returned the gesture and hugged back.  
  
"You're such a softie."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"I'm not finishing this."  
  
"Right, Gil. You know it, don't deny it."  
  
She saw the twinkle in his eye and the ever-present smirk that went along with it. "Just don't let it get around."  
  
"And if it slipped."  
  
He glared at her.  
  
She laughed. "I haven't told anybody anything you didn't want them to know. But it is good blackmail."  
  
"Catherine."  
  
"Yes?" She smiled innocently.  
  
Grissom broke out into a full smile. "I'll see you tonight."  
  
"Yeah." she said, a smile forming on her lips, "tonight. Work. It's good to be back."  
  
"I'm glad. I think Warrick's getting lonely. He's been working solo for a while."  
  
"Is he the only one that missed me?"  
  
"We all missed you, Catherine. Oh, and I'd, uh, watch out."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Just. watch out." With that, he gave her one last smile, before heading off to his own car.  
  
"Grissom!"  
  
He spun around and told her one thing: "Break room."  
  
Catherine watched him leave, a frown forming on her face. What the hell did the break room have to do with. "Oh no."  
  
A smiled formed on her face again, a record for one day. She was scared of what state the break room would be in when she got in. She headed to her car in the opposite direction that Grissom went, without a glance back.  
  
Never doubt, never look back.  
  
El fin. 


End file.
